


To Be Strong

by Duffydog



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode: s02e24 Tuvix, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duffydog/pseuds/Duffydog
Summary: An episode addition to “Tuvix”.
Kudos: 3





	1. Version 1 - with Tuvok

**Author's Note:**

> Notes: I was inspired to write this after watching “Tuvix” again and remembering how much I liked this Kathryn Janeway, as opposed to the one we’ve seen in the last couple of years.

The captain of the starship Voyager sat alone in her ready room, trying to distract her thoughts, picking up PADDs at random, laying them down, unable to concentrate. The pain was nearly unbearable. His eyes, those strange tawny-coloured eyes that somehow managed to convey both Tuvok’s calm and Neelix’s ebullience, had stared into her soul in his last few seconds of life.

She had clenched her jaw, forcing herself to look at him, to give him the dignity that his death – his ‘execution’, to use his words – deserved.

The pain stabbed anew, right through her. _What have I done?_ she cried silently to the room. _How could I deliberately kill him, a person, a sentient being – my friend?!_

The doorchime sounded. _Oh no! I can’t face anyone, not right now._

Command training kicked in, brought up her chin, straightened her spine, masked all emotion. “Enter.”

The door opened to show Tuvok waiting patiently. “Captain, may I speak with you?She walked around her desk at once. “Please come in, Tuvok.”

He moved forward, allowing the door to close.

She started to force a smile before realizing that she didn’t have to – not with him. She stepped up to the couch and he followed, seating himself beside her. “How are you feeling?” she began. “Has the doctor cleared you for duty yet?”

“I am well, and yes, he has.” He hesitated, seeming to search for words – a most unusual state for a Vulcan. He clasped his hands more firmly together and looked directly at her. “I am aware, Captain, of the role you played in my return and that of Mr. Neelix. And I am also aware of the role Mr. Tuvix has played on this ship for the past several weeks.”

Her eyes widened. “Do you have his memories?”

“No, I do not. He was a separate individual.”

Willing herself not to let go, she looked down at the floor.

Tuvok continued. “However, I have spoken to a number of the crew in the last few hours, all of whom have told me just how much a part of ship’s life he had become.”

She tried to stifle the sob in her throat, but a slight gasp escaped.

He eyed her but kept going. “I am concerned, Captain, that you are feeling unnecessary guilt and pain for the actions you had to take.”

“Unnecessary, Tuvok?” she blurted out. “How can you say that?!”

“Logic dictates that this was not a ‘person’, but a transporter accident. Because he existed, we did not. You did the only thing you could, Captain. You restored Neelix and me to life.”

She bowed her head. “In my head, I know that. I know I made the only choice possible. But, in my heart,” she looked up, her eyes bright with unshed tears, “I killed him, Tuvok. God help me, I murdered a man in cold blood.”

Her face fell forward and he saw tears fall on her lap. He inched forward enough to place one of his hands over both of hers. He felt a few more tears dampen his skin before she pulled one hand free to wipe her eyes and wet cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” she croaked, then cleared her throat. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” She tried to smile but it was a bit watery, the rose to her feet then. “Thank you for your counsel, Tuvok. I’ll ponder it carefully

“You are welcome, Captain,” he replied as he also stood. “I will bid you goodnight.” He stepped down and disappeared out the door.

Retaking her seat, she stared out the viewport, her heart mourning the loss of her friend. “Goodbye, Tuvix.”


	2. Version 2 - Chakotay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Notes: An episode addition to “Tuvix”, with Chakotay. J/C

The captain of the starship Voyager sat alone in her ready room, trying to distract her thoughts, picking up padds at random, laying them down, unable to concentrate. The pain was nearly unbearable. His eyes, those strange tawny-coloured eyes that somehow managed to convey both Tuvok’s calm and Neelix’s ebullience, had stared into her soul in his last few seconds of life.

She had clenched her jaw, forcing herself to look at him, to give him the dignity that his death – his ‘execution’, to use his words – deserved.

The pain stabbed anew, right through her. _What have I done?_ she cried silently to the room. _How could I deliberately kill him, a person, a sentient being – my friend?_

The doorchime sounded. _Oh no! I can’t face anyone, not right now. I can’t._

Command training kicked in, brought up her chin, straightened her spine, masked all emotion. “Enter.”

Commander Chakotay stood outside, waiting patiently. “Captain, do you have a minute or is this a bad time?”

She relaxed slightly. “Come in, Commander,” she replied, then rose and moved around her desk, leading him to the couch. He sat beside her, closer than normal, a smile on his lips but worry in his eyes.

“What can I do for you?” she asked, trying to appear calm although her hands were clutching each other in her lap.

“Actually, I was wondering if there is something I can do for you.” At her puzzled look, he explained. “I know what you had to do in sickbay – Harry told me. I’m concerned that you….” He paused, trying to find the right words, “will bury all the emotions you must be feeling, that you won’t let yourself grieve.”

She tried unsuccessfully to swallow the sob that was forcing its way up her throat. “I….I’m fine,” she got out in a whisper.

He covered her hands with his. “No, you’re not. It’s all right to mourn a loss. It doesn’t diminish you in my eyes, or anyone else’s. You’re allowed to cry, Kathryn. By mourning him, you dignify Tuvix’s death and give his existence meaning.”

“I’m a Starfleet captain…..” she began.

“You were a human being long before you became a captain. Don’t let Starfleet training bury your humanity. Your strength comes from that – command only enhances it.”

Her eyes were full of unshed tears as she stared at him.

Lifting one hand, he very lightly stroked her cheek. “Let yourself grieve properly. Take strength from it.”

She pulled her hands free and buried her face in them. He could see her shoulders tremble and laid a hand on one, trying to give her support, to let her know he was there, with her in spirit as well as body. She mumbled unintelligibly.

“I didn’t hear you. What did you say?” he asked.

When she looked up, her face was wet. “I killed him, Chakotay! I murdered him in cold blood. Deliberately took his life.” Her voice was agonized. “What do I do? How can I live with that?”

He moved closer yet and slid his arm around her shoulders, tucking her face into his neck, then rested his chin on her head, speaking softly, soothingly. “You made the only choice you could. Tuvok and Neelix deserve to be allowed to go on with their lives. Tuvix was a ‘transporter accident.’ He seemed like an individual, certainly behaved like one, but the bottom line is, he was Tuvok and Neelix in the wrong form, and they wanted, and we wanted them, to be in their right forms. You took the only road there was, Captain. There was no other choice.”

“Do you really believe that?” she asked hesitantly.

“Yes, I do.” He held her away from him, so he could gaze intently into her eyes. “I’ve been there, I know what it’s like to be a captain. Sometimes, you have to make a decision that wants to eat at your soul for months after. But you make it anyway, for the good of the ship and crew. You’re as strong as you have to be.”

“I don’t feel very strong right now.”

“I know.” He kissed her forehead very tenderly and tucked her back under his chin. “That’s why I’m here. To give you the strength you need. For as long as you need me.”

Letting out a little sigh, she relaxed against him, enjoying the solid bulk supporting her. For a little while, it was nice to be able to lean on someone else. Soon enough, she would have to stand up and be the captain once more.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted May 9, 2001.


End file.
